Break Me
by tjcbunni22
Summary: Delve into the intricate mind of a tortured vampire as he navigates around heartbreak towards love... Whether he will realise it or not. Beta needed!
1. A heartless love

The beauty of dying.

The sun crept over the horizon tantalizingly slow, orange hazing into hot yellow and blending into the dark navy-turning it slowly into azure before flinging the darkness completely away and uncovering the baby-blue of the morning sky.

The beauty of dying...

She was a beauty all on her own. I appreciated aesthetics like any man, maybe more so... I loved refined, whimsical and silhouetted beauties with an obsessive yet intricate addiction. But her aesthetics had been found first in Katherine, had they not? But still when I saw her that second time, wandering a road and worrying about such trivial teenage nonsense... she had knocked my breath away.

A beauty in living...

A beauty in death...

This was what encompassed both Elena and Katherine in my mind but it was in my soul that the love I had for both women got distinct and convoluted.

She had been the one to grab my eye and heart. She had been the one to break me into a boy-fighting for the utmost prize carelessly and willingly allowing her to thrum my heart mercilessly with small fingers and play a happy tune while I bled. That had been Katherine...

And Elena... sweet Elena had grabbed my eye with her perfectly sketched resemblance to Katherine but when I looked into her eyes-each time I looked into them-there was something so sweet and pure in her that made me feel completely damned and unworthy to stand in front of her. Never because she said I was unworthy of such a love that she contained, but always because she _wanted _me to become worthy for her to give it freely...

Always because she wanted me to be a noble man and step out of my reckless impulsiveness, always because she didn't want to be the prize but the antidote and mostly because she sang to my heart to lull it into complacent _willingness _to sing back to her. Elena...

That had been her, and now she was gone...

Such a beautiful morning... the sun rising slowly and the glint of my ring in its rays blinking momentarily as I raise it to the giant star. It's cool between my fingers and I stare at it sadly... this would be all that is left in the end.

Attempt at invisibility in the eye of the sun.

It hurts at first and I cringe. I know pain, I know it so well... it's what encompasses being a vampire... the phone is insistent in my pocket but the last words I hold in my breath I want to whisper them to her when I meet her briefly in the darkness. I know I wont be were she is... I will be somewhere far and burning... burning... the sun crackles my skin...

I will be somewhere far and burning but it would be worth it if only to tell her my last words. Words that I knew she wanted to hear from him, but maybe she would accept me as a substitute in those brief seconds...

When he came, because he would-Stefan wouldn't remain for long after she was gone and I was gone too-when he came, I had no doubt he would be accepted in the same place as her.

It's almost over, the phone is ringing and I am moaning her name in pain and anticipation. Red and white are the colour of burning, if anyone ever wondered... and the colour of peace would be...

"You can't even let me die in peace!" I growl into the receiver.

"She is alive"

"What?" the ring slips over my burning finger and the sun doesn't rain fire down on me anymore.

"Elena" Bonnie says detached "She is alive... a vampire"

Even in without a beating heart, she found a way to save the ones she loved. And as I stood up from the hot road, flinching with every movement that made my skin crack... and the hollow darkness in my heart didn't abate at the news-I realised that she had only saved my body this time. The ring was on but my heart and soul continued to burn with an intensity that would never match the one they had been under when belonging to Katherine. She wanted me noble, she wanted me good... but _she didn't want me._

_I would never be worthy..._

It would always be Stefan and I would always be destined for hell.

Xx~xx~xX

Maybe I was really a coward underneath it all.

The worst kind of coward; the one that attempts to be the hero and disappoints every one at the end of the battle by running of. Hero... when I was human maybe, then I could utter that single word with conviction. Funny how being more indestructible than a human has turned the word on it's head in my psyche. Surely now I should be the valiant knight...

The valiant knight with enough balls to take his own life; that would be the greatest form of bravery and compassion I could do for this world because if I remained breathing over this earth...

If I remained on this earth, I would turn into a monster. Okay, a _worse monster..._

I could feel it as I walked over the hard gravel, the tar roughage scraping the underneath of my boots.It's been an hour since I kneeled before the sun and raised the ring in the air-her face pulled to the forefront of my vision. It's been an hour since Bonnie Bennett inadvertently saved my life, Elena in her own adamant way rescuing me from certain hell in my death to walk in this living version of damnation...

A worse monster...

I knew about heartbreak; Katherine had turned me into a well educated student under it but Elena...

It's hot, the sun is behind me but the heat warms my back uncomfortably. I am walking steadily over the road, right by the edge and not bothering to look up. I know I am returning to her, I need to know for certain... subconscious and lucidly-Mystic Falls is were I will end up.

A worse monster under the heartbreak of Elena.

That's what happens when you set your redemption in the eyes of your brother's girlfriend I guess...

I could just as easily switch it off but it's different this time. Fissuring and bubbling pain inside of me, prickling acidic poison of a intense love that will never be enough, realisation that you were put on this earth with no purpose save to set in motion someone else's happy ending... this is how a bomb feels before it explodes, but even a bomb has a purpose. If I exploded, the world will blink and carry on...

Switching it off will never be the same because this time I had no reason to turn it back on. Elena and Stefan had been my reasons but the unveiling that I would never be the reason for them... switching it off would be permanent and have no antidote.

My entire grandiose swagger is shed; all my hidden pathetic vulnerability is left bare and ripe for the picking. I was better of keeping it off, I was better of never telling her... but I guess the truth would have always been just beneath the surface.

Mystic Falls were my untouchable redemption awaits with a dead heart and room for only Stefan-I just needed to see her. I couldn't deny that, I couldn't walk away from it-I was compelled.

I would see her-just to know she survived past death. I would see her, I would find the man I was once before Katherine and reach into that bravery and end the war a hero.

Xx~xx~xX

The room is clear and clean. The curtains drawn and letting in the soft breeze of the outside garden, the aroma of pansies and grass wafting freely though and the sunlight casting everything in a golden glow. It's the perfect little corner in the house...

Away from ancient memories that evoke wild thoughts...

"Damon"

"Now is not really the time Witchy" I sigh, gulping down some lingering emotions with my whisky.

"She didn't know..." Bonnie says her voice rough and then goes into full blown teenage angst mode-it was easy to forget this little fact "She had no way of knowing. The blood was... when she went to the hospital and..."  
"Yeah, Ricks busy-body girlfriend" I snap "I know. She is saved, that's what matters right"  
"Right" Bonnie sighs not getting the message that I wanted to be alone and walking into my peripheral. "I thought it might be like with my mum..."  
"I don't really want to bring and share, Bonnie" I groan "In less than twenty-four hours I found out I would never have a chance at love thanks to being the loveable Stefan's _evil _brother, she chose him... it was always him and then she died and then she lived and... I have nothing"  
"Damon"  
"I don't want to fucking bring and share, Bonnie now either offer some witchy blood because I am kind of peckish or go do some voodoo somewhere else"

"Will you leave?" she asks moving towards the door.

"That's what everyone wants, in the end" I whisper "For me to leave"  
"Stay a while" she breathed "The town... with everything, please stay a while. Too much change..."  
"You are all about wanting me gone" I murmur in confusion.

"Yeah, well..." she grumbled "You haven't gone to see her and you are here... and there is too much change happening too fast. Maybe if we just kept things a little stagnant for a brief time?"  
"Maybe for a brief time" I sigh "You came to guilt me into seeing her... she sent you..."  
"It doesn't matter" Bonnie said leaving the room "I mean it"

Xx~xx~xX

**AUTHORS NOTE:**

**Yeah, this is going to be angsty. Hold on...**

**uh, anonymous guest: this is set after it is hinted that Elena died with vampire blood in her system. Right in that moment. And in Vampire Diaries, Damon is only ever inlove with Katherine and Elena... I can't just randomly begin with him falling for Bonnie with no explanation of how that happened. It has to lead to it so it can be a real sort of love, right.**

**Sigh.**


	2. One Selfish Day

**ONE SELFISH DAY...**

**Xx~xx~xX**

_**Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one can share in its joy**_

**Xx~xx~xX**

It really didn't take much for her to understand what this would mean for her.

She wanted to stay, God knows she did but it was all too much. It had all turned on its head and wrecked through the thin sheet of her flimsy reality and blown it to smithereens. Elena was a vampire, she was a witch and the only normal person amongst them was poor Matt.

"No fewer than a thousand words" Bonnie said out loud and laughed to herself. That had been what Elena had asked her to describe their friendship once... in no fewer than a thousand words. Now, all it took was one word. It could only be defined in one word really...

"Changed" she said out loud; she said to the girl staring at her from within the mirror. "Irrevocably _changed_ forever"

She sighed once and picked up her brush. It hovered unsure over her head, right at the top were her unruly hair frizzed and protruded in a mass of wild ebony vines. She swallowed, fighting back the tears that were burning somewhere behind her eyes and began to smooth her hair out. Just like all the other times she had found herself thinking the supernatural had kidnapped her happiness, just like all those other times-she had to brave _normalcy. _She had to wake up, she had to bathe, she had to clothe herself and eat and move and breathe amidst all this messed up voodoo mess up.

She tied her hair back, it wasn't something she always did. Her eyes startled her, she had forgotten how wide and vivid they were. They looked back at her tired and weary. Almost ancient... she closed them and all she could see was Elena blinking at her like she was something edibly interesting and then the slide show began. Elena, Stefan and Damon...

Elena a vampire. Stefan unable to contain his unadulterated joy at having the love of his existence with him and then lastly, Damon's weird mixture of desolate sorrow, frustration and undeniable relief. They hadn't noticed him standing there by the door, watching their desperate embrace with pained and yet understanding eyes-accepting and reprieving of _something._

It had been a messy situation since Katherine and although she thought Stefan was amazing in his brooding sensitive glory-she wanted no part of the Salvatore Masochistic Torture Device. She wanted no part of it... she wanted to concentrate on herself for a change, more especially since Elena didn't need everyone running to her rescue(she always tried not to let that irk her, but it always ended up irking her regardless-at the most inappropriate of times) and Jeremy had somehow reached a certain level of maturity that meant he wasn't a hazard to himself.

So she was going to be selfish, she was going to force the pity and concern in her heart at seeing Damon's breaking heart so visibly-she was going to force it away and begin her life free and calm. He seemed a little suicidal (maybe a lot... Hadn't he said something to the nature when she had called him?) but that really wasn't her problem. Maybe she could tell Caroline about it; yes... she would do that. Caroline could... Caroline and her shared similar feelings when it came to Damon and she was suddenly unsure on whether the beautiful Blonde girl would rid her conscious of the nagging sensation of impending doom when it came to the tipsy peace that had formed over Mystic Falls.

"I need to get to town!" she groaned grabbing her make up bag and opting for rouge lip colour. She was being brave, free and young... she forced herself to apply the relatively new lipstick (Caroline had bought it for her on her last birthday) and pressed her lips together and looked at the girl in the mirror. She felt uncomfortable with the boldness of the colour. She felt uncomfortable with the sexy way it showed her lips.

"Argh!" she growled at the lip colour as though it was the cause of all her present emotional discomfort. "I just want to go into town, do a spot of shopping and return home and cook up a mean meal! Can you give me just that one thing? Huh?!"

The lipstick remained inanimate and she groaned, tossing it back into her makeup bag and finally leaving the bathroom.

Xx~xx~xX

She drove out in a huff; she was irritated and she didn't know why as yet. It could have been numerous things evolving from the lipstick refusing to answer her demands, realising she had lost a little bit of weight since the 'Klaus' incidents or how she had forgotten her favourite play-list in the house.

This seemed to trivial and she knew it. The feeling inside her was a sixth sense. Not of doom, or anything equally morbid just... something would bother her. Something wasn't right and because she had made a conscious effort to ignore all 'sixth senses', the feeling ate away at her forced happy mood.

"Stupid grey cloud" she snapped peering up from the windshield to the looming grey cloud moving lethargically over the trees to the left of the road. "Like I am going to let you ruin my 'Me' time...!"

Her phone rang suddenly and she peered at it from were it sat vibrating in the passengers seat. 'Caroline Forbes' flashed repeatedly on the screen and she groaned.

"No way, Car" she sighed "I am going to have my 'Me Time' by hook or nail"

She turned the phone around facedown and turned up the volume. She hummed along to the music, feeling a little bit lighter and tried futilely to ignore the black retro-car tailing her.

Xx~xx~xX

"Seriously?" she snapped, slamming her drivers door. She had parked the car halph-hazard on the residential curb-deciding to get this over and done with before she got to town and Damon ruined her day thoroughly. She was already glowering, awaiting his either haughty conceited expression or equal pompous entitled face. She waited, arranging her features determinedly into something vicious and severe to combat Damon's expected insolent face.

The car black and shiny and reminded he so suddenly of the 'Winchester' brother's car in her favourite show. It seemed shadowy inside, the dimmed figure of Damon in the driver's side sitting still and obviously staring at her. She huffed and rooted her foot to the ground to avoid from stamping it childishly at Damon's 'who can be the least patient' games. He seemed to take in a big breath and tentatively opened the door. He stood in the stray sunlight momentarily, facing the opposite direction from where she was huffing and puffing and closed his door slowly.

His head was bowed as he walked towards her, his hands in his pockets.

"What do you want!" she growled.

"You asked me to stay a little while..." he said softly, finally raising his head "...and then you don't want me around?"

"I never..." she paused staring at his face. His eyes seemed hollow-not in the way a vampires eyes seem when they switched of their humanity, but in an inconsolable heartbreak. His face was set in an impassive emotionless mask-not because he had switched of his humanity either. Just... it was... pure unadulterated pain. There in front of her; just like before when she had seen him standing by the door...

"I..." she spluttered, wrapping her arm around herself and looking away form him ashamed. She didn't know what to do with pity and such, for Damon Salvatore. "It was kind of..."  
"In the heat of the moment kind of thing?" Damon said cynically, his lips quirking slightly into a painful grin-that resembled a grimace too easily.

She pursed her lips and remained staring at his worn boots in shame. Yes, it had been a heat of the moment thing. Yes, it had been because she had pitied him so acutely then that it had hurt for her not to search him out and try and make it some how okay. Yes, she wasn't very good at being selfish-and before when he was cocky destructive Damon it had been easier. She knew him that way...

"I don't mind" he whispered, touching the hood of her car with long fingers. "I really don't. I just wanted to know one thing, Bonnie. And as whacky as the world has turned, you are currently the only one I can find this out from"  
"What?"

"How is she?" he asked her, his eyes-if only they had never been so clear and blue-showing an infinite plunge of barren pain inside him. She looked away from him and took in a shaky breath.

"I haven't seen her since but... she texted and well, I think she is okay" Bonnie sighed, still staring at the gravel. "Why don't you go and see her..."  
"You know I can't do that" Damon said quickly. "It would be like pouring salt on my already bleeding freely wound, Bonnie. I seriously don't think it would change anything, do you?"  
"Uh, no" Bonnie said softly. "What about talking to..."  
"I told you no one wants me around" Damon laughed hard and cold, walking backwards away from her, to his car "Not even you Bonnie, especially not you... and I knew it was too good to be true when you asked me to stay"

"You mean in Mystic Falls, right Damon?" she asked him quickly-surprising both her and Damon at the desperation in her tone. "You mean no one wants you stay in Mystic Falls, right Damon..."  
"What else could I mean?" he asked her getting into his car fluidly. "Certainly not in life... I am already dead!"

She watched his car drive off, standing on the spot for a few minutes before shuddering as the temperature dropped. She looked up and the looming grey cloud from before now covered half the sky in angry concrete with the promise of destruction.

"I won't..." she whispered driving to town, the wipers of her car making a steady lulling sound as they swished the rain left and right and gave her brief intervals of vision "I will not allow you to rope me into this again!"

I won't, she thought over and over again but she couldn't deny the fear that welled inside her. A fear that was not for her own well being yet again and it confused her for the entire drive to town. She parked the car and rushed for cover in the stores, the fear still eating at her wobbly peace and when she had braved the rain and found sanctuary-she understood.

She was used to fear, she realised. It had become a part of her living. And she had been used to fear for others, no doubt about that. She would do just about anything when her dear ones were threatened...

But what she wasn't used to was fear for Damon (maybe fear _**of**_ Damon but never _**for**__..._)

Fear for Damon, when the only threat was Damon to himself.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**Reviews greatly appreciated! **


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